After Donna Jope's husband died, it was the kindness of a stranger that helped her heal, giving her a new perspective ready to face Christmas
As we approach the festive season, it’s normal for memories of Christmases past to come flooding back to our minds. But for all that this can be a lovely moment of nostalgia for many, it can also be bittersweet as we may think back to those who are no longer with us this Christmastime.
For Donna, she loves to think back to her memories of her many happy Christmases spent with husband Michael, heading off to Midnight Mass most years, followed by tea and a sneaky turkey sandwich enjoyed in the early hours of Christmas morning.
However, since Michael died from liver and lung cancer in September 2019, Christmas – along with other landmark moments in the year such as birthdays and anniversaries – have been hard for Donna to face.
Each day I was having a cry and then after crying for a number of days I decided to phone the doctor
This year, though, feels different as Donna has benefited from Marie Curie’s bereavement support service and is now feeling much more hopeful about the Christmases to come.
Donna first came across Marie Curie’s bereavement service, which offers six weeks of one-to-one support, when she went to her GP, having found herself overwhelmed with grief at Michael’s death.
“Each day I was having a cry and then after crying for a number of days I decided to phone the doctor,” says Donna. “I explained the grief that I felt and he offered to put me in touch with Marie Curie’s bereavement service.”
Having been matched with one of Marie Curie’s bereavement service volunteers called Nicola, Donna received her first call in April this year. “I felt a bit nervous beforehand but Nicola was so friendly, I soon felt that I could open up to her,” says Donna. For the next six weeks, Donna and Nicola talked on the phone every Wednesday. “I started to really look forward to the calls and enjoyed telling her all about what Michael was like and how funny he was.
I started to really look forward to the calls. It felt such a big step for me asking for help but I am so glad that I did
Hearing her laugh at the things he did made me feel really good and it was a way of feeling like Michael was still here,” says Donna.
Thanks to the calls, Donna soon noticed a big change in how she felt, as did her children who pointed out how much more optimistic she seemed after a chat with Nicola.
“Talking to family and friends about Michael, if I got upset they’d often get upset too and I didn’t want that, but with Nicola it didn’t matter if I cried and in fact she encouraged me to let my emotions out,” says Donna. “It felt such a big step for me asking for help in the first place, but I’m so pleased I did.”
While Donna has now finished her six sessions with Nicola, she knows the door is always open for her to call for help or just a listening ear whenever she needs it.
“I still have good days and bad days but it’s so reassuring to know that I can call if I need to. It’s like having an emergency £10 in your purse – you never know when or even if you’re going to need it, but it feels good to have it there,” she says.
Now as Donna faces her second Christmas without Michael, she knows it may still be difficult but thanks to Nicola’s help, feels more at peace than she did this time last year. “Now I genuinely feel like I’m not on my own.”
Dealing with grief?
If you're missing a loved one this Christmas, bereavement specialist Jane Murray has these tips to try:
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Be realistic and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the inevitable variety of emotions that come and go and if you don't feel like joining in an activity due to grief, don't criticise yourself.
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Set yourself two daily targets - walking, reading and journaling are therapeutic and a much-needed outlet.
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Eat healthily and make sure you're getting plenty of rest. Cut back on caffeine and have a few 'emergency' frozen meals ready in the freezer if cooking feels like too much that day.
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Consider honouring and remembering your loved one by creating a new tradition that encompasses their memory. Maybe light a candle in their memory at mealtimes, or have each person around the dinner table share a happy memory about them.
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Reach out to those you trust that can provide support and a friendly ear.
Marie Curie is here for you
Marie Curie can help with all aspects of end of life, whether you need practical support with caring for a loved one or want to talk to someone following a bereavement, like Donna did.
Right now, during this time of uncertainty, it can be harder to see and connect with friends or family and access the support you need. The support line team is here for you, whatever your question.
You can call Marie Curie free on 0800 090 2309.
The support line is open Monday to Saturday including Christmas week.
Visit mariecurie.org.uk/support to check opening hours and to find out more about how they can help.
